Speaking Engagement Contract Rider for Keir Graff
I require one (1) one-way ticket to the engagement, via passenger rail or light airplane. Motor coach (bus) is permissible only if there is no other way to reach the engagement. If train, I would like a seat by the window, if possible. Also if possible, the seat should not be too near the chemical toilet. If air, please select a window or aisle seat in coach. First class is acceptable, but only if you can really afford it.
2. Arrival: Airport Greeting
I would like to be met at the gate, if possible. The greeter should ideally have a mental picture of what I look like; at the very least, they should have my name written on their hand in ballpoint. If they have forgotten a sign with my name on it, they should be willing to wander the arrivals area, querying any lost-looking travelers as to their identities.
3. In-town Transportation
I would like a ride from the airport to my lodgings or the event, whichever is appropriate according to the timetable. I would prefer my driver to be a non-professional, such as a student. If at all possible, they should be driving their own car. Tell them not to clean it beforehand: Crumpled term papers and roach clips will give us something to talk about. The car should be small; in any case, I will ride up front. (A driver with a bad sense of direction would be considered a bonus, as I would like to see something interesting on my way into town.)
I require a bed, a television with no fewer than three stations, and a private bathroom. A real drinking glass, rather than a flimsy plastic cup, would be nice. Said lodging shall be within walking distance (one  mile or less) from a pool hall.
5. At the Performance
I will need an area in which to prepare myself before performing. This might be a small room backstage, or it might be a seat at the bar downstairs. It may be a small space that has been cleared for me in the crowd, or it may be in the back row of the auditorium. My wish is to remain warm, dry, and indoors before I begin.
6. Food and Drink
I would enjoy a hot meal after the performance, preferrably in the company of those who love books, movies, art, and ideas. A few complimentary drinks would be remembered as a kind gesture; if it is to be a cash bar, please select a modestly priced establishment.
The morning after the performance, at an hour no earlier than eight (8) o’clock a.m. and no later than twelve (12) o’clock p.m., I would appreciate it if I could catch a ride from someone who is going the same way. Just drop me wherever—by that on-ramp is fine.
An envelope of cash after the show would earn my undying gratitude; I would accept a check before my departure nearly as enthusiastically. If payment is to be mailed, I should receive it no more than four (4) weeks after the performance. Six (6) weeks, tops. Okay, eight (8) is okay, but you’re really pushing it.